Further Insights (John)

Insight is fascinating. To have insight into our condition is a human endeavor for self-reflective people.

I think Elle’s last blog was (if you’ll pardon the pun) highly insightful. Her thoughts and experiences regarding insight, while you are under the cosh of delusional psychosis, really chime with my own experiences. I too have experienced flux states where I can feel the delusional thoughts I’m having are incorrect, yet at the same time they can be extremely difficult to defeat and regain an instant grip on reality.

I think the ego can play a big part in holding onto insight. When I’ve had delusions of grandeur, delusions revolving around me being some kind of jigsaw piece or part of a bigger plan to help humanity, then getting connected to your ego can help defeat such thoughts.  Why should I be so important, what have I done to be so special, aren’t we all equal in some form or another? Why would humanity ever even need any kind of individual to help them? Essentially putting a deluded ego to bed and embracing humility and dare I say it common sense can be a great method of dealing with delusions. In my life the longer I’ve had this condition the more adept I become at employing such thoughts and techniques.

On one of my earlier run ins with psychosis, for the first time, the delusions turned into something that was terrifying me as opposed to making me feel high or deluded in a ‘positive’ way. I became extremely distressed and endured a frightening journey for both me and my wife to the local hospital. When I got there I was in such a state of distress I had to be restrained. The whole experience was terrifying and my insight had gone completely. Finally I was dropped into blissful sedation with an injection of anti-psychotic medicine. They gave me a decent dose and I slept soundly for the next six hours. On waking my insight had returned completely and my first thought was, “Oh shit, it’s happened again. I hope my wife is OK.”

I was in hospital for a week and experienced no further psychosis. A couple of nurses told me they’d never seen anybody be able to regain insight so successfully and hang onto it like I did. Thing is you get better at doing such things the more experienced with the condition you become. Given the options anybody with my condition will choose insight over any other alternative any day of the week.